Spanky Harper

Well big daddy, its ur turn to host. Which gas station has the best chicken? Which waterin hole is frequented by single moms with the names of Heather, Amber, or Jennifer? How’s the blacktop out der? I plan on roasting muh tires. Cya in a week.

Broad Ripple Effect Regianal Championship Edition Written, edited, and dictated by: Spanky Harper Some men are born hard. Hard as a rock. Harder than blue steel. Casted in the fires of denham and tempered by the bogus ditch. Those boys from Judson were molded at birth by long cold winters and low incomes. The only warmth cummin from a sweat hog. This is the life of a starke county boy. This is judson. Some might call it pound town. Tonite the kids from broad ripple were welcomed to pound town. Some things in life are really hard to overcum. 3 divorces and child support. A lien on your fiero. The legion runnin out of your favorite cold beverage. You cant overcum these things. Park tudor tonite had a hard time overcumming benson, mcdaniel, and wilcox. They had both hands full with kozecar and sanchez. It was a long nite and a longer ride home. THe worst part is that there is really nuttin to eat between Judson and whichever way they rolled into town. Some gas station chicken if ur lucky. Hope they packed some snacks. As for the jays ther gunna stay hungry. Coach lambert has those boys in blue playing there best ball at just the right time. sometimes you have to take lumps during the season to prepare urself for when the games really matter. I know i deserved every beatin i got along the way. Like the time monroe timm punched me whilst i slept on the school bus. I learned a valuable lesson that day. Dont sleep on the bus when monroe timm is around. As long as the bogus flows and baileys sells expired candy at a low price. As long as the hogs sweat and the wappels toil in the fields. As long as fingerhuts slings donuts and the legion has pull tabs. The bluejays will fite. Spankin by the Numbers 1st- time the blue jays have ever won 3 regional championships. 2nd-time that Judson has taken park Tudor to pound town. 3rd- regional title in four attempts for coach lambert. 4th- the place I took in the local karoake contest sponsored by the starke county co-op. Next time I’m tearing the house down when I sing nuttin but a good time by poison.

keep edging.

it was in fact his daddy's triton trojenz.

Cold Bourbon Sexual Championship Edition Written, edited, and dictated By: Spanky Harper The American Legion post 92 is lit right now. I just hit a $200 pull tab and bought a round for everyone to celebrate another bluejay sexual championship. Now, you might be thinkin to urself how did the bluejays do it? How did they come back from taking a beating just a few weeks ago? Well, let spanky tell ya. It was coaching. Plane and simple. Coach Lambert and his crew pulled those boys from the pit of despair. It’s easy to judge the bluejays. When your in the stands u think u know everything, but in all honesty unless u were at practice or in that coaches office u haven’t the slightest inclination of the challenges the bluejays faced. Luckily, i infiltrated the coaches office and have been living there for a few months now. The coaches don’t know it, but I have been sleeping in the drop ceiling above the bathroom. Maybe sometimes they might hear a weird squeaking sound, but I have them believing its a just varment living in there. Execution lead to the execution of the trojenz. Football is a simple game. the jays showed up with McDaniel, Benson, and Wilcox and the Trojenz had shively. But what the Trojenz didnt have tonite was a couple savages up front by the names of Kozecar and Sanchez. The truth of the matter is that this game was won weeks ago, son. The jays bottomed out when they lost to Triton’s Trojenz in week 7. The fans grew cold towards muh Jays. The crowds dwindled. Many of the “loyals” abandoned all hope, but not the players, nor the staff. At the end of the day that is all that matters. Do the kids in your locker room believe in each other and the coaches? If they do, then you have a chance. Sometimes a chance, in this life, is all that you’re looking for. That opportunity. That moment. That is what happened tonite. The Jays believed. They believed they would bust that nut in bourbon. They believed in each other despite what happened. Just like i believed when I put that $20 into the pull tab machine. Spankin by the Numbers 3- Sectional 41 Titles in a row for the bluejays 4- Sectional titles in 5 years for coach lambert 6- Straight years the Bluejays have played for a sectional Title 7- my room number at the shady oaks motel; cum and see me.

you just gonna have to edge for a few weeks to get that ultimate pleasure frm the bluejays. as for me, i find pleasure in the simple things: cracking open a log of skoal, mounting a sweat hog out on ten mile road, winning a $50 pulltab from the legion, and doing donuts in ross rattkeys driveway. keep edging and hopefully in a few weeks i can make muh way out to adams to mount up. until then just keep spankin.

Hard Times- Reginald Championship Edition written, edited, and dictated by: Spanky Harper Long before I ever loved a woman I loved Bluejay football. To be honest, long before I ever loved myself I loved Bluejay football. You see ole Spanky hated himself. I hated that I didn’t make it to state. I yearned for it in my loins so hard but it wasn’t to be. I was a Cox man back then. A Gary Cox man. My position coach was hank Orkis. And there mere sight of those old bastards moves me. It awakens feelings of love and joy that only a starke county sweat hog can awaken in me these days. But tonite isn’t about me. It’s never been about me. It’s always been about the kids. The coaches. The team. The community. Those kids from North Judson, San Pierre, Aldine, Denham, English lake, toto. From mark baileys to wappel farms. From Richards of toto to kerstings cycle center. Tonite it’s about them. Our belief. We know everyone hates us. They hate that we believe in ourselves. They hate that we drive fieros. That we may or may not live in subsidized housing in Bournes trailer park. They hate it. They hate that we may make sweet love in the middle of the cornfield. They hate it. They hate that we wear those gold helmets. They hate that we dress in cut off denim from Denham. They hate it. But you know what? I love it. I love every bit of it. And most of all I love those players for NJSP. U need something hate. Hate me. Im a man. Im 40 something. I drive a fiero. I eat rhino pills for breakfast. I listen to the alpine on maxxx. I was raised on skynyrd and poison. I gotta a get back before I break my probation. See yins at semi state!

Semi-Hard Times Edition Written, edited, and dictated by: Spanky Harper there i was in cell block C of the Starke Co. jail with Root Allen, Buck, and Goble Fletcher. i swapped a pack of old golds for some nudey mags and some hawken, that stuff’s premium. the nights were lonely and only a few things kept me from losing my sanity: my fiero, my love for large starke county women, and bluejay football. a large woman loves a fiero, a console full of snacks, and an alpine playing late into the evening. im not sure if its the fresh cut or the stone washed jeans, but ever since Ive been on work release i cant seem to shake these sweat hogs. they hunt me down at the oasis, the honey hole, even the legion. i spent my last $2 of commissary on pull tabs and won 50! thanks coach harper! tonite, was muh first time seeing the jays this season. The utter dominance upfront by the bluejays reminded me of a nite of passion i once had with Root Allen’s sister. It was ruff, ugly, and it forever changed me. The trojenz themselves are feeling some similar effects. The jays were blowin the trojenz off the ball like sheila used to blow the t-tops off this fiero back in ‘96. She was a smoke show then. The hogs upfront for the jays won the battle in the trenches and there are few teams that are going to match up with the girth and size of the jays. the trojenz from triton have some nice looking players. but they never spent a day swimming in the bogus. they never had to drive out to ten mile road to make sweet love to a sweathog. they definitely never been to the freewill baptist church on a sunday. thats a party! And tonite it showed. triton is a tough program, but when you push them… when you get on top of them. when you show them that football is a physical game they wilt. Ive stared deep into the eyes of a starke county hog and U can not show fear. U can not flinch nor bat an eye. U stare right back into the ether, slap on some Poison, take that hog by the haunches and mount up. my phone is runnin out of minutes. See yins at the Sexual Championship.

we're from Judson son. we luv 2 make bold proclamations. i just left mark bailey's discount center and they had turtle wax on sale 2 for a $1! i'll be shining this fiero all night and blastin the alpine. i might be 12 old styles in, but let me tell you something bout them bj's from north judson. they ruff, they tuff, and they dont give a *insert expletive* now i know that them jets had a good year, but that was last year. we dont live in the past. if i lived in the past id still be pining over that time wendy bailey broke my heart at the winterballs. id be worried about my three ex wives all wanting alimony. I dont have it Sherry. and if i did i wouldnt tell you. if'n i lived in the past id be sweatin ross rattkey showin up surreptitiously in the middle of the night to claim this here fiero. WELL IT AINT HAPPENING. not 2nite; not never! this fiero is paid for son.

Tears over Flora: Regional Championship Edition Written, dictated, and edited by Spanky Harper where does a mans love for the game end and the love for his town begin? for me its somewhere between toto and shitroad. you see it was the summer of ‘89. Spanky had a mullet back then. I was in my boz faze. I was driving around with scutch and sherm runnin the roads. we were rippin it sideways blastin the alpine. we thought we were destined for greatness. we all thought we would be playin for ross rattkey and winnin state titles as kids. it had been done so regularly in the early 80s surely we would be destined for the same thing. but Ross left to go to connerstown and we got a new head coach. We had dreams to go all the way to the state championship. It didn’t happen. It didnt rip. The thing about winning is that it does not happen overnight. Spanky wasn’t born a winner. I had to work hard for it. this fiero. I worked for it. this trailer. I worked for it. this alpine stereo. u better believe it buddy i worked for it. them kids from judson worked for this championship i promise you that. it has been nothing short of hard work. Coach Lampert inherited a team that just couldn’t get over that sexual championship hump. teddy could get them to the sectional championship game, but he just couldnt bust that nut. Cum home empty handed. coach Lambert’s first year the team went 7-5 but they brought home that trophy. the hardware that will reside in judson forever. just like spanky’s spirit. last year, the team took a major leap forward going 9-3, but they lost in the sectional finals to the lowly weinersmac team. coach jim hendrix cum to judson and left them jays longin and unsatisfied. you might be asking what the hell does this have to do with anything? why am i reading this? who would post this drivel on a football forum? Well the answer is me, Spanky. now where was I? right, I was pontificating on success and opining about goals. them jays flew under the radar. overshadowed by conference teams Pioneer and Winamac. rightfully so, those teams had fantastic regular seasons. North Judson is not playing for the regular season though. I know coach lampert a lil bit. he used to sell me my old golds when he was a cashier at crapenters as a kid. coach lampert plays for the post season. the regular season is just a tool to get this team ready and ooooo baby this team is bustin out at just the right time. its like I used to tell my son, “ Lil spanky, one day you will be a bluejay football player. the women will lust for your seed. the men will envy your fiero. Because you’re a winner lil spanky. now. forever. always.” them jays get to do something special next week. Host a semi-state championship. It’ll be a tough task. but them jays never back down. they will never quit. unlike my third ex-wife who quit on me more times than i would like to share. But thats a story for another week. Tonite, is about coach lampert, his staff, and his players. This championship belongs to the people of North Judson.

Lord that sounds like a lot of excuses. Weinersmack hasn't played in two weeks and no one cares. Jim Hendricks will be gone. We really need to put this coddlin of the warriors to bed. Judson would have won in the rain, in the snow, in the mud, in the blood, and definitely would have won on turf in perfect conditions. Now, i have to go aren's field and fuel up my airplane. its gonna be a long week preparing for this regional championship for the Bluejays and i need to go scout out the conditions of the field in Carroll. Hopefully, they leave the sprinklers on all week cuz you know judson is made for the mud.

Redemption on Bluejay Drive Written, edited, and dictated by Spanky Harper Spanky’s fiero has been redlined since about 9pm tonight. makin the victory rounds all over the greater judson area. my first stop was the oasis where i collected $14 dollars in pull-tabs and got a lapdance from an old bar whore who back in ‘92 had a face like Melanie Griffith but tonight she looked more like andy griffith. after a lap through san pierre I hit up my second ex-wife for a few moments of joy and months of subsequent shame. I burnt up the denham blacktop all the way back to toto. I cut the lights and crept up the drive to Ross Rattkey’s. It seemed there was some kind of family function going on because bo, luke, duke, shane, and tyger were there. I cranked my alpine stereo to maxxx and blasted poison’s nuttin but a good time. That shit rips. Few things in this life are as sweet as winning a sexual championship. I knew it was going to be a magical night when i saw coach cox in the crowd. I was buying a pretzel and a sausage when a silver haired saint appeared. coach cox came up to me and said “spanky how ya been you sumbich?” tonight, Aldric Harper, no relation, was magical. He lead them jays to winning there 14th sectional title. Cheyanne Allen ran wild as usual. the fraziers, the Bensuns, and the Rattkey’s all made big plays for them jays throughout the night. It was total team domination from start to finish. Spankin by the numbers: 0- Number of times the jays have lost to culver under coach lampert 2- Number of sectional titles for coach lampert 3- Number of ex-wives for Spanky 6- Number of times the bluejays have beat culver under coach lampert 14- Number of sectional titles for the bluejays 69- Number of days since Spanky's last DUI

The fall and rise of Spanky Harper written, dictacted, and edited by Spanky Harper people been asking me where ya been Spanky? first and foreskin, the sexual championship game between the jays and warriors in 2020 was a ruff outing for Spanky. prolapsed my anus ruff. i was for sure the jays would pull-out the victory, but it was jim hendrix who ended up pulling out. Pulled out of most of the games he has coached at winamac. to be completely honest, after the sectional championship game, i went to horseshoe bend with a .45 and a bottle of wyld turkee. i sat there on a log staring out into the ether. i saw my entire football life pass before my eyes. i remember the up-downs and all-day practices. I wept as i reflected on the glory daze. i new that the jays had let a golden shower opportunity slip through there crack. as i took the last drink of wyld turkee i new that this was it for Spanky. tears welled in my eyes as i felt the cold steel press against my temple. it was at this moment i heard the voice of an angel. across the water, i saw the visage of Hank Orkis. i heard his voice call to my soul, “Harper, get down the line you sumbich! I didnt waste all those summers from ‘89-’92 on you to quit on me now!” i dropped the wyld turkee to the ground and threw my .45 in the water. i stumbled back to my pontiac fiero and shredded tires all the way back to my trailer in toto. Skynyrd blastin oooo that smell as i ripped it sideways through ross rattkey’s yard. and this somehow brings me to tonite. By hook or crook this team continues to find a way to win. With each them jays grow a lil more stout. A lil more confident. Coach Lampert has yet to unleash the full potential of this team. When that day cums watch out bc that Bensun kid is a monster. young cheyanne has been explosive all year for them jays. and that Harper QB, no relation, is getting the experience he needs to lead this team in the playoffs. I’ll be watching and waiting from my airplane. just look to the sky and if you squint hard enough u will see me there just beyond the horizon. Rippin it sideways, always.

Sectional Championship Hard Times Edition written edited and dictated by Spanky Harper runnin wild pioneer 56 v bremen 7 bremen bends bows and brakes to the powerful pioneer panthers. knox Rattskins postmortem Ross Rattkey rolled into town with high expectations. Nathan Winter of WVKI said that Ross would help guide and lead this team to titles. He werent wrong. The knox rattskins win the title for being the most disappointing team in the HNAC this season. but we should give some love to those kids who stood out this season. cade lovins was a monster linebacker when he wasn’t getting kicked out of games for attempting to punch players. kylie mcintyre was a good player when he wasn’t tackling opponents 5 yards out of the endzone. if u take kylie’s receiving yards for the season and subtract his penalties you end up -69 yards for the year. knox finished 6-5 this season. a fine coaching performance ever from Ross, ted, bo, luke, duke, shane, tyger. NIGHTMARE ON BLUEJAY DRIVE north Judson 42 v winamac 0 first and foremost, I want to apologize. Last week I gave a bit of poor advice. I gave a few pointers on how them jays could fire out of their 3point stance. I said they should use 60% pressure….little did I know how cold it was gonna be. When its that cold the sack is too exposed and slows ya up a lil bit…..sorry boys. What i should have said was for you to use your offhand to grasp your satchel and keep it warm as close to the snap as possible. Up in the stands my sack was so cold i swear it froze the floor boards somewhere early in the fourth quarter. I can’t let the jays off the hook for all those penalties last week. Here is my five point disciplinary plan to assist with reducing penalties for them jays. for every penalty committed u will spend one hour cleaning the toilets at mint fest AFTER the category 5 plays free bird as their third encore. That shit rips. their fans can never piss straight after rockin out and 10 beers deep when the d-line jumps off sides they have to eat a can of tuna acquired from baileys discount center. and not the quality 35 cent can….I mean the 15 cent can! no expiration date. no label. ya been warned. quit jumpin! when the WR commits another block in the back penalty they will go to the legion and sweep up all the cigarette butts and bring me $10 worth of pull tabs when the OLine has another false start they will be required to go to wapel farm and offer to spread winamac i mean shit for an hour. sorry i get winamac and shit confused sometimes any player that is ejected this season will be required to take an old bar whore from the oasis to prom this year. kissin on the mouth is required and it aint negotiable now regarding winamac, when I was a young man i used to work at winamac steel. teamsters went on strike and the plant closed. when i lost that job winamac put hard times on the spankster. my 83 pontiac fiero got repoed by ross rattkey cuz winamac put hard times on spank. i was down on my luck without a pot to piss in. Ross repoed my piss pot to. it was actually teddy but i digress. now that ol spanky is back on his feet and flyin higher than ever I have a surprise for all you winamacians. them jays have shut out winamac 11 straight quarters. i have partnered with the knights of columbus and rented out the ISIS theatre and I am gonna show yall, FREE OF CHARGE, every single shut out quarter. now spanky terrorizes you winamac. no snacks will be served except for a heapin pile of bluejay justice. u'll be force fed through your eyes the shit sandwich that of which you called offense and defense for 11 straight quarters. spanky had the joy of watchin you struggle mightily against them jays. now you will relive it in HD DOLBY SURROUND SOUND. this is my gift to you winamac. *ok...ISIS theatre just said that they can’t get HD Dolby Surround Sound. however I have negotiated with the real ISIS and they said they will handle it….whatever that means*

sectional semi-hard kinda life written edited and dictated by Spanky Harper last week after flying over all of the fields and watching all the sectional games at once and watching my jays decimate the pathetic trojenz I knew that my superior predictions would come to fruition. when the linemen start scoring touchdowns u know them jays mean business. here are my musings for this week. dont @ me. weekend at Rattkey’s calumet 29 v knox 28 big dick good gets a HUGE victory at rattskin stadium. ross-less rattskins find a way to keep it close, but his boys bo, luke, duke, shane, and tyger will have to share the load tonight. teddy been carrying ross’ load for years now. lethal weapons pioneer 40 v laville 14 pioneer panthers pounce and pummel pugnacious lancers. live hard adams central 32 v triton 12 trojenz can only hold up for so long. friday the 30th southwood 60 v caston 0 comets have cum a long way. lambo: first blood part 2 judson 69 v culver 0 back in my day, when I was quarterback for the toto monkeys expansion team we used to run a pretty similar offense except we ran pentuple option instead of the rudimentary triple option. Them jays are running hot and hung into the semi’s. defense has been creating pressure and prolapsing the line all season. if culver somehow manages to eat c(l)ock against them jays i may have to come down from the stands and shoot a three point stance to show them young boys how to fire off the ball! heres how: get ur feet about shoulder width apart. stagger ur feet so your sack can rest and hang comfortably and make sure ur birds outta the way. put ur hand out with about 60% pressure on your fingertips. Some guys like 50% but I NEED these jays to fire off hard. Real hard. once your in ur stance with ur offhand you can readjust ur sack and 4skin as necessary to increase max explosion when you bust outta ur stance. no sleazy way out winamac v nobody top ten reasons why i despise the warriors in 2020: ducked knox. ducked pioneer. barely beat triton barely beat scum WVKIs Harold Winter anointed compton one of the best quarterbacks in the conference. he isn’t. he is averaging a paltry 3.3yds per carry rushing and is completing 36% of his passes for 15 yards per attempt. this is a complete regression from last season. got a bye in the sectional used to call their fans the maroon platoon you might as well call them the menstruation squad. they are the best trash there ever is best trash there ever was best trash there ever will be

Sectional Healing written edited & dictated by Spanky Harper first shots caston 14 north miami 13 the hnac has been well represented all season long from the top to the power bottom. caston in another conference would have been a winning team. the comets will be well-endowed tonight and pull out the victory. bent over knox 48 benton central 6 Ross Rattkey’s knox team takes a shot of cialis and runs through BBC. coming up limp scum 15 winamac 14 warriors offense has been on the struggle bus for weeks now. defense is playing fine against subpar teams. scum has faced bigger schools and had some tuff outings. scum shartalites wins over the flaccid warriors. they have a cream for that culver 35 lake Station 6 i wish that the flying edison eagles could put the cavs outta their misery, but they cant. like an itch on my balls that wont go away the cavs rush for 300 and eat c(l)ock all night. bustin’ on the buscos triton 28 churubusco 7 a lot of people will be picking the buscos but ill take them trojenz tonight. They’ve played good teams pretty tuff down the stretch and they’ll stretch the buscos here in a few hours. crackin’ that nut laville 28 lewis cass 12 tuff to win on the road in the sectionals but laville will fap their wings into galveston and drop a load on the kings. beatin’ pioneer 60 delphi 0 panthers prolapse and pacify the pesky oracles. pullin’ out north Judson 99 west central -6 itll be over early for the trojenz….but it will be secretly nice to see them again. judson dropped wc from their schedule like dumping a girl who is really nice but too ugly to openly date...I mean...you will text her when you are kinda drunk but you know its never really gonna work out between you two. you are sorta into her but the amount of guff you get from your friends is too much to handle. running clock in the second quarter….and probably a random text at 1:34am.

chopping ur meat during championship week with Spanky Harper first stroke: knox 12 v caston 6 2020 has been an utter disappointment for the knox team. coming off a big 2019, the hopes and expectations in knox were quite high. then Ross Rattkey came to town. wvki’s Harold Winter anointed the knox team state championship contenders in 2020. the only thing rusty will be contending for this year is the 100 meter dash to his next coaching job. knox will be left in the lurch come spring just like portage. it was a fun experiment and waste of a good roster. knox knuckles this one out by a good 6 points. beating: laville 35 v culver 0 culver looks like trash since king left the squad. culver's offense is so boring it makes me want to paint my house with lead based paint, watch the lead based paint dry, eat the lead chips from the wall, struggle with the loss of brain cells and suffer long-term damage, recover fully from the hospital, get discharged, find a quality therapist work through years of trauma and pain AND I WOULD STILL have a better time than watching culver attempt to manufacture points. laville will crack one off on offense and pitch the shut out. smacking around: triton 21 v winamac 14 coach hendrix regrets leaving knox almost as much as he regrets moving further away from mexico lindo. i might be edging my bets, but triton will take this one. busting OUT: north judson 28 pioneer 27 been flying a plane all over starke/pulaski/cass crop-dusting fields. occasionally, i fly over to jasper to check in on them bombers. maybe it's the fumes? maybe it's the roundup? maybe it's the whiskey? but them jays only have one stain on their record and i got them winning this in a close one.